“Don’t ask Don’t tell– should you tell your partner everything??”


If your partner doesn’t ask should you necessarily tell them everything that goes on?? Should the ‘Don’t Ask Don’t Tell Policy’ ever present itself in a budding relationship?? The ‘in-between’ stage in any partnership/relationship is difficult when it comes to judging what lines to cross simply because no lines or boundaries have been fully established yet.  I’m a firm believer in “do unto others as you would have them do unto you”..but even so you run the risk of being on your best behavior while the other person is ‘hoeing’ it up.  Is the ‘Don’t ask don’t tell’ policy ever ok in a relationship?? Maybe I’m just old fashioned but i feel like even in the early stages of any relationship  there’s a certain level of trust  established and if you can’t abide by that early on then what does that say about you months down the road?

This past Saturday after an eventfull ‘girl’s night out’ i decided to stay somewhere else.  I was downtown so my options were limited but even so I called a good friend of mine and crashed there instead.  From the moment I walked in the door i felt a sudden rush of guilt, not because I had any intentions of doing anything with this male friend but because the situation itself looked bad. This guy is my friend yes, but we also used to “talk” (talk: lesser form of dating) last summer and since then he may still have lingering feelings for me. We were the only ones at the apt. and in his room there was one bed, one cover, and two bodies so you can do the math.  Any other time I wouldn’t have thought anything more about staying with him because nothing would’ve happened but this time was different plus he was drunk.  My situation’s different and with that being said I opted for the couch. I had no intention of staying in the same bed with him, regardless of how harmless it seemed.

Either way  if a guy I was dating not only stayed at the apt. of a girl he used to talk to or even entertained the idea of sleeping in the same bed as her I’d be pissed.  I don’t know either well enough to judge whether they’d do more in the situation.

That morning I went back and forth on whether or not I should mention the incident to..hmmm…lets call him “blue”….I thought about mentioning the incident to blue but wasn’t sure how he would take it or if it was anything significant enough to mention.  I’m not the type of person to omit things simply because he didn’t ask but at the same time I didn’t want to bring up an insignificant situation that would cause him to cast doubt upon my relationships with friends, or cause him to second guess me and accuse me of lying about what happened..or rather what didn’t happen.   I don’t like to hide things because it feels like lying and I don’t lie…In retrospect I’ll just avoid these situations altogether.  As long as I don’t put myself in positions where my moral fiber could be questioned everything should be all good…right???

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Comments
2 Responses to ““Don’t ask Don’t tell– should you tell your partner everything??””
  1. lisamonet says:

    I’ve been with my fiance for a long time now. And I definitely believe the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy stands in all relationships, friendships included. Sometimes trivial things can cause an avoidable rift that will forever remain. For example, I work in a call center, my fiance does construction. So he’s not too familiar with the office setting and the concept of a work “marriage” (he’s also Jamaican so that makes it tougher to explain). Since my “work husband”,I’ll call him Jason, and I are together for 60% of the day, many of my daily work stories involve Jason. Well now Fiance completely shuts down whenever his name is brought up. Its SO annoying!! Jason is also not welcome at any of our events. BBQ’s, dinner parties, bowling nights etc. Even our wedding! I mean he’s not banned. But fiance has a habit of making people feel VERY unwelcomed. Conclusion: had I shut my trap about how often Jason and I interact, I may not be forced to edit my daily stories to not include him.

  2. slideyfoot says:

    Hmm. I’m very big on honesty (even have it tattooed on my arm), and I definitely subscribe to the view that communication is the key to a good relationship. I’ve been with my girlfriend for almost ten years, and I make a point of telling her everything. Seems to have worked so far, though admittedly it does mean you have to be willing to talk through any problems on a regular basis (though I think that is much, much better than letting small problems simmer unaddressed, where they steadily grow into big problems).

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